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salmon dish, drowned in a watery-looking cream sauce. I usually
liked salmon, but tonight its smell made me queasy. I pushed my
plate away.
My hand still throbbed from signing all those CDs. I rested it
on the table, stretching my fingers to work out what remained of
the stiffness. After a few bites, Aleks set down his fork and
reached over, placing his hand on top of mine. It was warm and
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strong. I should ve felt reassured. Flattered. Aleks was a sexy,
intelligent man and yes, I was attracted to him. Part of me was,
anyway. The rest of me just wanted to get the fuck out of here.
A single phone call, and I can take care of that DG contract
for you. I can get you any engagement you want. You re an
incredibly talented young man, Matt. You should have the world
on a plate. I can give it to you.
Time froze. The room around me screeched to a halt. My brain
whirled as if it d been run through a blender. So this was it. I was
being offered a choice one I thought I didn t even want five
minutes ago. But I did want it. I wanted it so fucking badly it made
my whole body ache like a broken tooth.
Sleep with Aleks, and I could have the career I d been working
for since I was ten. No reason I couldn t. I wasn t scared anymore.
If I could perform with the Idyllwild, I could perform on my own.
All my protests were bullshit. I d held those Paris and Berlin
audiences in the palm of my hand without even trying. And I could
do much more now.
But if I said yes, it wouldn t be because I liked him. No way
was I getting involved in a serious affair of the heart with a
married man. No messy emotional attachments. It d be a business
transaction, pure and simple. Which would make me tantamount to
a whore.
Just thinking about it made me feel filthy. Sordid. Cheap. The
same way I d felt when Aaron had flung his suspicions in my face.
Oh, Jesus. Aaron. He was right all along. He d seen this
coming, and I hadn t listened. I d been so stupid. So fucking
arrogant and blind. All I wanted now was to fall into his arms and
beg his forgiveness if he didn t slam the door in my face first.
Does this kind of approach usually work? I asked finally, still
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staring at Aleks hand engulfing mine. So much for no public
displays of affection.
Aleks shrugged. The world is full of ambitious, handsome
young musicians. I ve had a role in launching many such careers.
Good. I pushed back my chair, tossing my napkin on the
table. Then you shouldn t have any problem getting another
dinner date.
Matt
Thanks for your offer, Aleks, but I d rather do this my way.
Don t call me again, and don t drop by my house. And in case you
haven t figured it out, I definitely won t be coming back to Paris
anytime soon.
Aleks sat back in his chair, his lips slightly parted. He actually
looked a bit stunned. I guess people didn t say no to him very
often. Your choice, of course. But I think you ll come to regret
it.
I doubt that, I said. Then I turned and walked out.
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CHAPTER 10
One morning I woke up, trudged downstairs to feed Terence,
then went to the fridge to scrounge up something for my own
breakfast. There was nothing inside but an expired carton of milk. I
slammed the door shut with a grunt. That s what I got for living on
takeout and cold cereal the past few weeks.
I showered, dressed, turned up my coat collar against the
morning chill and plodded three blocks down to the supermarket.
Nine in the morning on a Friday and the place was packed. I
almost got run over twice trying to walk through the parking lot.
What the hell?
Then I saw the list of specials on the sandwich board in front of
the store. Butterball turkey. Ham. Rib roast. Eggnog. Shit. It was
Christmas Eve. Without teaching every day or Matt to keep me
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grounded, I d completely lost track of time.
Inside it was an even bigger madhouse, the aisles jammed
bumper to bumper with shopping carts. I picked up milk, bread,
eggs and a few more staples, then got out as quickly as I could. It
was only when I got home that I realized I hadn t grabbed anything
for dinner, unless I wanted to eat scrambled eggs and toast. Well, I
wasn t about to go back. The little Italian joint around the corner
would have to do.
I puttered around the apartment, trying to keep busy for the rest
of the day. Trying to keep my mind off tomorrow. I d stopped
making a big deal out of the holidays after Kevin had passed, but
this year I d actually been looking forward to celebrating
Christmas again. Of course, that was before Matt s and my
blowout at Thanksgiving.
I hadn t even bothered getting out my decorations. And,
amazingly, I hadn t received a single card. People without partners
tend to be ignored at the holidays. Whatever. By now I was used to
it.
By five o clock, I was pretty damn hungry, so I headed out to
the Italian place. It was nice and toasty inside, the air filled with
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